US Drones Have the Sniffles

I was browsing the interweb today on my iPhone while waiting to order my daily double caramel macchiato when I happened upon an alarming article about the compromised health of the US bomber drones.

Please, get this unmanned a tissue!

From wired.com/dangerroom: "A computer virus has infected the cockpits of America’s Predator and Reaper drones, logging pilots’ every keystroke as they remotely fly missions over Afghanistan and other warzones."

What are the ramifications of a sniffly drone? Besides raining fire on the innocent when it sneezes, a potential risk is that the virus, which records the operator's every "keystroke", could cause the public dispersion of classified military intelligence. The solution? The US military should call upon my good friend Benjamin Rush, famed allopath, for a good purging or blood letting. Back in my day, nothing would cure a runny nose quite like draining four-fifths of the body's blood supply.

Oh! My mind has settled upon a most gruesome thought! I hope the virus doesn't spread to iPhones. I still have the original one because I can't afford the new one. It's quite funny really, I live a mansion that I bought using my royalties from Common Sense. Ever since the expulsion of the British Empire there hasn't been much money in pamphleting. Now I live like a pauper in a castle. Just me and Chauncey. I've grown quite fond of Chauncey.

My iPhone, Chauncey. Don't catch cold, old boy! I love you so.